The Wait (as I like to call it), is taking it’s toll. We are cranky, we are bored, we are tired, we want to quit, we are angry, we are lonely. The holidays really put us over the edge, and the funk continues. More and more, we are sitting at dinner or on the couch, looking at each other and asking what else we can do to pass the time. We have nothing left to talk about, and we are sick of the day to day activities of life. I’m out of pep talks to myself. I can’t psych myself into being excited or joyful. There’s no silver lining. This just bites.
I’m leaning on the prayers of others. I’m trusting that God has a purpose for the waiting and that it’s not pointless. Only God can provide the joy that I am lacking. It’s not coming through effort.
I realize this is complaining and sounds bitter. It’s not really from a bitter place, but I do want a record that it is how we feel. The wait is harder and longer on the children, for sure. I hope that in some small way, we can tell them that we shared their pain. There are few things that give me comfort right now. One is that it’s a challenge because it’s spiritual warfare. I know without a doubt that adoption is God’s work. It’s hard, long, painful, and complicated specifically because the Devil hates it. Why wouldn’t he? It’s an actual picture of the gospel.
One thing I’m struggling with is how to answer the questions. People want to know what’s going on, how we are doing. I want to answer with Christ-centered joy and hope, but I can never find the right words. The reality is that there’s no update, and we are struggling, but that sounds depressing. There’s another piece of the picture that’s not as obvious. God is sustaining us. He is working (although I can’t see it). He has not forsaken us. But, this is a battle. Everyday is a fight to keep at it. I certainly count myself lucky to be in the fight on the side of the Lord, but it is not easy.
At times, we have felt that we want to continue experiencing trials because it’s the time when God really refines us. Our desperation makes us lean on Him and causes us to grow closer with him and with each other. Lord, let that be true!