Finding my delight in the journey of adoption.

Week 4 – Repentance

I can say with assurance that sin has been revealed in my life over the last four weeks – from the obvious to the not so obvious (at least to me, probably obvious to everyone else).  Initially, it was perfectly obvious that I idolize food and pleasure much more than Jesus.  It only took about 2 hours for that to be revealed.  I ended day 1 literally on the floor crying because I could not imagine eating rice cereal for a whole month.  

About halfway through the month, I became extremely convicted about the excesses of my life.  I began to see how many of the choices I make to satisfy myself at the expense of another.  Quite literally, I have too much.  I have been given more than I need.  God has a purpose for giving me more than I need.  News flash – it’s not so I can buy myself more stuff!!  This seems obvious, but it’s so hard.  I am addicted to my life.  I truly believe that I cannot live without the comforts on which I rely.  I do not trust that God will provide.  There’s nothing in the Bible to suggest that it’s ok for me to live a comfortable rich life while people have unmet needs right outside my door (please tell me if there is because I would love the justification!).  If I lived the life I do in a third world country while starving children knocked on my door unanswered, there is no doubt that everyone I know would think I was the most heartless, evil, cruel being that ever lived.  How is that not exactly what I am doing right now?

If that revelation wasn’t enough, the repentance really got personal.  In the last week of this month’s fast, I’ve been aware of my seriously negative spirit.  DH challenged me on my complaining, and while it hurt to hear.  He was not wrong.  I do complain often and he usually gets the brunt of it.  When I am stressed out (which is a lot these days), I take it out on him, and I do it self-righteously, expecting him to be compassionate and listem to the latest litany of complaints (which he usually does with a gentle spirit).  It’s certainly a burden that he need not carry.

While I could go on and on with the list of the sins revealed, that may be depressing, and no one would want to continue reading my blog.  

As difficult as these revelations have been, I am so encouraged and grateful.  Encouraged because I know that I serve a God who can handle my sin.  Grateful because his grace abounds.  

So excited for Month 2 (and to celebrate the end of month 1 with a cookie!).


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