I am so distracted. I cannot concentrate on anything except adoption. This has happened to me before, but this is definitely the worst. I can’t even put everything I am feeling and thinking into words, but I will try. The main feelings I have are (1) anxiety; (2) desire and (3) fear. I am feeling anxious because I want the time to pass so that the kids get home. I am not content in the present, and I am somewhat unrepentant about it. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be content. I pray every day that God would fill me with peace, joy and contentment in my present circumstance, but my flesh is so weak. I am regularly giving in to my flesh and living in that discontentment. I don’t know whether it’s entirely sinful or whether it’s a holy anxiety, but whatever it is, it’s here to stay.
I am filled with desire to prepare, plan, list, read, study, and learn. All I want to do is prepare for these kids. This comes from the anxiety, but I also think it’s that deep down, I know that everything’s about to change in a massive way. I found a blog yesterday, and I am obsessed with reading it. The family brought home three older kids from DRC in October 2011, so I have been catching up on their story. (http://thejlees.blogspot.com) Unlike a lot of blogs, the mother documents every day of the first few weeks the kids were home. It’s so eye-opening to read her experiences. While the story is difficult (I am seeing now why this is going to be a God-effort and not a human-effort), it’s exciting to read. I am ready and want to get started! I have a lot of preparing to do in terms of learning and praying, but I am psyched. The hard kingdom work that I’ve been promised is coming! I can’t wait. It’s going to be dirty, ugly, and painful, but God IS going to change me. He IS going to provide, and I can’t wait to be a part of it.
I do have a lot of fear about the big picture. I try to read a lot of info on adoption from multiple points of view, and (for those of you unfamiliar with the adoption world), there is A LOT of anti-adoption sentiment out there, much of which is totally justified. There’s a family I know who lives in Uganda who works tirelessly to resettle children with families in country and promote domestic adoption (awesome!). They are pretty strong advocates for international adoption being a last resort since most "orphans" are not really orphans at all. They usually have families, but the families are broken up or poor. I find myself constantly worrying about this. Shouldn’t we just spend our time and money helping poor mothers to keep their children? I have to keep coming back to the answer being yes. We should fight global poverty. We need to address these broken systems. Adoption is not the answer to poverty or the so-called "orphan crisis." However, I do think adoption provides a good way for people to stand in the gap. I don’t think there’s a right answer on this. We have been talking a lot about it, and we decided that we are ready for our kids to confront us on this issue as they grow up. We will ask them to forgive us for our failings and show them compassion for their loss, both the losses that we caused (by removing them from their homes) and the losses that happened before we got involved. Adoption is beautiful, but it has an ugly side.
I did find this today that was very encouraging. http://wehaveroom.blogspot.com/2011/11/weimer-kids-on-adoption.html For everyone who has a bad experience with adoption, there are lots of beautiful stories. I am not wearing rose-colored glasses, but I do believe that God is at work.