Finding my delight in the journey of adoption.


My wonderful friends in Chicago are throwing me a party to celebrate the coming of the children. I have agonized over whether I wanted to have such a party for months (and at times, I’m still agonizing). I’m still trying to work through all my reasons, but I think it boils down to a few.

One is definitely my own sin – pride and need to control. I really don’t like people doing things for me. For better or for worse, I’ve been an independent person since early on in my life. I’ve always been given and taken control of situations. It’s partly due to my personality and partly to the way my parents parented me. They basically let me make decisions and chart my own course from a very early age. I still struggle with seeking counsel from people on decisions. DH will call everyone and then tell me to call my
parents, and I’m always confused as to why. I’ll call them with the news of the decision we made and don’t understand why you would call before that!

I think thy mentality carries over into the party. I resist people doing things for me and having opinions about how I should do things. Every time someone has said, you should have a shower, I shudder because I feel like people are telling me what to do. (You can see some potential for marital issues here…we are working on it!)

Another big issue is infertility. Infertility has made me resistant to anything that equates adoption with pregnancy/babies. It’s not the same thing. It’s really not. I’m ok with that but sometimes other people aren’t. Some people will do anything to convince you that adoption is just like when you are expecting – full of joy, dreams and anticipation. Unlike when you are expecting a healthy baby to be born, adoption is wrought with pain, loss, grief, sorrow, and more pain.

(I know many people who have had terribly painful and high-risk pregnancies, miscarriages, stillbirths, unwanted pregnancies, and children with various forms of special needs – definitely not trying to say that every pregnancy is full of joy. Those pregnancies are in their own separate category as well, and we should be more sensitive to that.)

Of course there are elements of joy in adoption. There are so many. But all come at the cost of a loss. In this fallen world, adoption is necessary because of sin, suffering and evil in the world.

Because I feel like adoption is so different, I am resistant to trying to pretend like it’s not. I feel like one of the biggest lessons God taught me (and continues to teach me) is that I was idolizing my dreams of the future. I had it all planned out. It was going to be great. I made the plans, barely presented them to God and asked for his stamp of approval. Oh silly women. I was like the guy who told Jesus, I will follow you as soon as I bury my father. We know what Jesus thought of that.

The Lord has absolutely reworked my plan. It barely resembles the original. In fact, I don’t even have a plan anymore. I honestly have no idea what my life is going to look like this time next year. Absolutely anything is on the table. I am not in charge. God can do what he likes. I’m just along for the ride begging to love and serve him however he sees fit

The final reason I’ve been resistant is because there is such a huge emphasis on the need to accumulate stuff. As you know from past entries, that’s the opposite mojoe from the way we have been trying to handle 2012.

I know there’s good in this – people wanting to show love and bless us. We so appreciate the sentiment. We would just love people to show that love In a different way. It’s not because we are dumb and don’t get how much stuff a kid needs. It’s not because we are judgmental and think stuff is evil. It’s because we have found through the fast that we are addicted to stuff. We love stuff more than we love God, and that is not ok. If you knew how many times I looked at kids bedding from Land of Nod, you would be appalled. Who spends that much time fantasizing about buying stuff? An idolator.

I have finally come around because I have amazing friends who totally get me and where we are coming from. They are so excited to celebrate with us and respect our weird issues. Even better, they care most about giving glory to God and using the time to praise him and worship him.

I’m ready to celebrate!


2 responses

  1. joann

    I love your friends. Thanks for the post.

    May 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm

  2. Oh my word . . . I LOVED all that you said about people trying to equate adoption with pregnancy. AH!! I loved your honesty in sharing how much loss is a profound part of adoption. And that God’s plans for you look nothing like your original plans and that anything is on the table for God to do. Good stuff!

    May 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm

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