Another downer post, but welcome to my life people. I’m having a hard time finding the silver lining. It’s been sunny and cloudless in Chicago for about 100 straight days. That should make me happy, but it’s just too sunny. Too happy. Doesn’t the sun know that the world is crashing in? Colorado’s on fire. Nora Ephron died. Just rain already! What does a girl have to do to get some clouds up in here?
I can’t divulge the details yet. I can’t tell you how utterly worthless my adoption agency is until I can use the threat of such a post to get something out of them. But believe me. That post is coming.
Suffice it to say that things aren’t looking good. The adoption is still on. Don’t freak out yet (telling that to myself every hour). I would say it’s still a solid 85%. We are at a complete standstill at the moment, and the hurdles are rather large. We mistakenly though we were over the humps. We are. We just didn’t know that after the humps came a giant mountain and a rather terrifying cravace that no human has ever been able to cross alive.
When we were that “infertile” couple, I can’t tell you how many people said, “why don’t you just adopt?” As if adoption was like picking up a pizza for dinner instead of cooking. I would like to smack those people right now. (Love your enemies, Amanda – also my constant inner dialogue these days.) Seriously though, if you are struggling with infertility and someone says that to you, give them my email address.
I can tell you that for me, adoption has been about 100 times harder, more painful and depressing than IVF and other infertility treatments. I really never thought I would say that. Failed IVF was so bad. So hard. So painful. I thought I spent a lot of time crying on the floor then! That was nothing. (Ok, maybe not nothing. I like to exaggerate.)
We used to say that adoption would be better because even if it was hard, at the end, we would have a child. Now I want to go back in time to smack myself! Why do I talk like that? I talk like tomorrow is a guarantee. I really believe I will wake up tomorrow and carry on. Next year I’ll vacation. Then I’ll get promoted.
“yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” James 4:14
Our lives are but an instant. There’s no guarantee of anything (except death and taxes, as I like to say). The people of Colorado Springs probably had a summer picnic planned next week. The folks working at the WTC on 9/11/01 had dinner plans and soccer games.
I don’t know how many times that God is going to teach me that my life is not my own. I don’t have the right to make plans and talk about what will happen next year, next month, tomorrow. I live and die at his beckoning. Each moment that I breathe is another gift of undeserved grace. Even the pain is a gift.
“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21
“O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!” Psalm 39:4