Finding my delight in the journey of adoption.

Rejoicing in Trials

There’s no easy way to say it.  This adoption process has come to an end.  I will post the details soon because they are important, but for now, just the emotions.

If you’ve been following along, you know that we’ve had some ups and downs over the past 4-5 months so it wasn’t altogether surprising when we learned that we could not complete the adoption.  Not surprising, but heartbreaking.  While the sobbing has ceased, the pain remains.  The dull achy reminder that those faces are not ours to hold.  We will never kiss those beautiful feet that we stared at for months.  We will never hear those sweet voices calling for “Mommy” and “Daddy.”

Ah, but we have been so mightily blessed.  What a privilege to love!  What a joy to know that your heart can love someone you’ve never met.  Our hearts have been broken for what breaks the Father’s heart, which has been a daily prayer of mine for so long.  The Father loves the little children, and we got to taste his sweet love for us and them.  We were able to feel the Father’s passion to fight against injustice and for truth.  We prayed for a mission, for a calling, for a life-changing experience, and we got one.  It wasn’t the one we thought we were getting, but it was the one He had prepared for us.

What does James mean when he says to count it all joy when we face trials?  I thought it meant that we were to buck up and be happy because even when life is hard, God still loves us.  No, it now means that we sing through the weeping, and we smile through the tears.  It’s not about ignoring the pain or looking at the bright side.  It’s seeing the beauty in the ashes.  It’s seeing Him on a bloody tree.  It’s ugly and heart-wrenching, but it’s so beautiful and full of hope and joy.  


6 responses

  1. Loryl

    Amanda, I am so sorry to hear of this very sad news. Maybe something bigger is waiting for you. Maybe another child/children are waiting for you guys to be their parents! I wish you guys the best. And Keep posting! I enjoy reading your uplifting messages even through the sad times.

    September 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm

  2. JoAnn Alo

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you. Mom

    September 19, 2012 at 7:06 am

  3. Oh, Amanda . . . my heart is heavy and broken for you. I am rejoicing with you that you are able to experience the joy of Christ in the midst of your deep suffering. But I am also grieving with you in the pain. I’m praying for you.

    September 19, 2012 at 8:47 am

  4. Sorry to hear….may God continue to be with you, bringing comfort and more than only His Spirit can offer. May He bring redemption in ways you never expected….:)

    September 20, 2012 at 11:42 pm

  5. “It’s not about ignoring the pain or looking at the bright side. It’s seeing the beauty in the ashes. It’s seeing Him on a bloody tree. It’s ugly and heart-wrenching, but it’s so beautiful and full of hope and joy.”

    Those words so powerful, a testimony among all that you are feeling… You gave me a perspective to me that I was lacking. My prayers will be with you.

    September 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

  6. Roxana

    Amanda, I am so sorry for you and Bill. I have to agree with Tessy that your words are so powerful, and are such a beautiful testimony of Christ living in you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart aches for you as you go through this loss. I can only imagine all the hopes and dreams you had for yourselves and for these sweet children; and then to have it all unravel in such an awful way (I just read your last post). Praise God for your Christ-centered perpsective! I will be praying that you know His hope and joy in a deep way, in a way you never imagined.

    Ephesians 3:20-21
    Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen.

    September 27, 2012 at 11:10 pm

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