I had to have a c-section. We had planned a home birth. The Lord has his own ways. Waiting to be taken into the operating room, I was the most scared I think I had ever been. I wanted to run. I had a teeny tiny glimpse of the garden prayer – Lord take this cup away from me. Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.
Going into the procedure, I knew that my prayer would be for humility and submission. Rather than the empowered birth I had planned, I was being called to lie down and submit. Spread out on the table, arms outstretched and strapped down, numb, tubes, completely out of control. This was the exact opposite of what we had hoped for and planned.
I was terrified of the birth – not matter how it was to happen. Everything in the pregnancy had gone well. Fred was perfect from all we could tell. The lies kept coming – it was too good to be true. It would all be taken from me.
Stuck between a truth and a lie. Truth being that God had not promised me a healthy baby, a complication-free birth, survival for another day. God is good, but he’s not safe. He makes promises, but safety, health and security are not included. How do you go into something so important without any assurance of success? How do you not fear the worst? How do you trust an unsafe and dangerous God?
I always cringe when people say things like, Jesus is my buddy, my friend, my partner. While of course there friendly aspects of Jesus, Jesus is not our equal. If I were to see him face to face, I wouldn’t run up to give him a pat on the back. I would be on my face begging for my life. He is Lord of Lord, King of Kings, nothing but complete submission and fear would be appropriate.
He wants me to hold everything with an open hand. I have no choice but to obey. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. He is wise, and he is good. How can I not follow him?
Apparently one can make a full-time job out of feeding and changing a human baby. I have not been able to come up for air. It’s a strange life I lead since I spend almost all of my day and night lying on the couch or bed watching The West Wing. It feels like I am doing nothing and yet I can get nothing accomplished (other than keeping a human alive).
Frederick has certainly added a new element of delight into my life. Anything or anyone else who was this demanding all hours of the day and night would have been left out in the alley by now, but his cute little face and soft skin allow him to see another day.
It has not been easy. Physical pain, extreme exhaustion and raging hormones make for a dangerous combination. It is unfathomable to me that people do this more than once and in much more difficult circumstances. I’ve come over the first mountain (meaning I don’t weep every single day anymore), but I know there are more coming.
The Enemy attacked me hard during that first week or so. He knows when we are weak. I thought it would be easier, more natural. I wanted to be a mom so badly and yet when the time came, I was overcome with feelings that it was too much and not a good fit. The lies about who I am and what I capable of still come at me every day, but the Lord has been so merciful and faithful, filling me with his truth.
I have been so blessed with supportive family and friends. We barely ever have to figure out what to eat for dinner. I only recently started doing laundry again. My sweet mother in law mopped the floors on her hands and knees for goodness sake!
I hope to be back to blogging regularly. I’ll leave you with a photo of my sweet boy. Can you even handle the cuteness?